written by Pete Bejarano

(note: all applicable items paid for by parents get an extra 5 points per category)
(KSDT may be substituted for any college radio station, and the Che Cafe can be substituted for any dirty radical venue)
sorry, this isn't a fancy online quiz, so you'll have to add up your score manually...

THE LOOK:

Horn-rimmed black glasses a la Buddy Holly or Esquivel (5 points; know who Esquivel is, 5 extra points; owning Esquivel albums, 10 points; owning Esquivel albums on vinyl, 15 extra points)

Brown overcoat, supposedly from a thrift store, but in excellent condition (5 points)

White Belt (10 points)

Rocket From The Crypt or Locust belt buckle (10 points; 20 points if bought at a show)

Spock-rock bowl-cut hairdo (5 points; 10 if dyed black)

Bad teeth or skin (5 points)

People can't tell if you're gay or straight (15 points)

Androgynous (10 points; extra 10 points if your significant other is as well)

Tight-fitting ironic t-shirts, such as Mickey Mouse or obscure lame tourist destinations, also obscure indie band shirts, as well as button-up neutral plaid t-shirts. All shirts must supposedly come from a thrift store but be in immaculate condition and reek of being purchased at Buffalo Exchange, Urban Outfitters, Ardvaarks, etc. (5 points if you have some shirts like this; 10 points of you wear shirts like this 3 days out of the week; 25 points if this accurately describes your shirt wardrobe)

Converse Chuck T All Stars (5 points; 6 if hi-tops)

Tons of hand-numbered or colored vinyl, with a healthy amount of 7"s (1 point for every hand-numbered vinyl; 2 points for every colored vinyl, including marble; 5 points for any vinyl you spent over $15 on)

Little handbag or purse on a long strap (5 points; 7 if Dickies; 10 if handmade; 13 if bought on vacation; 1 extra point for every little pin on it)

Dickies Jacket with pins (15 points; 1 extra point per pin)

Hoodie with patches and pins on it (10 points; 5 extra points if patches are sewn with white thread; 10 extra points if sewn with dental floss; 5 extra points if some of your patches used to be shirts; 1 extra point for every 20 spikes or safety pins)

Look dirty/crusty/punk/goth/etc. and spent over $70 to look that way for one outfit (50 points)

THE PERSONALITY:

Regret how great "the scene" was just a few years ago. Now, things suck, of course. (5 points for thinking it; 10 points if you say it more than once a week)

Refusal to give short, concise answers about what genre a band is (7 points)

Whiny diatribes about bands that sell out, despite owning The Strokes, Radiohead, The Smiths, Morrissey, or Bjork. (10 points; 15 extra points for owning imports/singles from any of the above bands)

Bemoans how not-great record stores are in southern california, and how great Rasputin's, Amoeba, or Streetlight Records are in "No Cal" (15 points; extra 5 for calling it "No Cal")

Say "hella" (10 points; 15 points if you ever said "hecka")

You spell it "Grrl" (10 points)

Straight-Edge (10 points; 15 if you have tattoos with no sense of conflict/irony; 20 if the tattoos say straight-edge; extra 5 points if it's in a foreign language; extra 2 points for every shirt you have that looks like a logo but really says "straight-edge")

Use outdated or foreign slang (10 points; 20 if you use slang you personally invented; extra 10 points for honestly thinking you made slang up and then heard it used later by someone you never met)

Flying an American flag from your car (lose 150 points per flag; lose 100 points per sticker)

THE JOB, THE ACTIVITIES, THE MUSIC:

DJ's at KSDT (5 points)

Your show at KSDT has "indie" or "emo" in the description (10 points)

Go to steering meetings at KSDT/meetings at the Che (10 points)

Receives money from KSDT (20 points; 30 points for refusing money from KSDT)

Ever worked security or sound or lights at the Che (10 points; 15 if asked to)

Seen Gummo (5 points; 10 for owning the movie or soundtrack)

Used to play RPG's (5 points; 10 points for knowing what an RPG is without thinking about it; lose 20 points if you still do)

Buys food from a co-op (5 points; 10 if you get a discount; 15 if you work/volunteer at one)

Graduated but still hang out at college/KSDT (30 points)

Vegetarian (5 points for being lacto-ovo; 3 extra points for using that term in conversation; 10 if you're vegan; 20 if you don't eat honey or refined sugar; extra 5 points for lying about it; extra 5 points for dropping all principles for stolen/free food; extra 5 points for dumpster-diving for food)

Level 5 Vegan (5 points for getting the joke; lose 100 points if you think you are)

You have seen Pinback, Black Heart Procession, Tristeza, Rocket From The Crypt, The Locust, and such bands when they were handing out demos (50 points; 75 points if you went to parties afterward; 85 points for playing video games with them; 100 points for sleeping over at their house; 500 points if you were a founding member and left because they were getting "too corporate")

You saw Jewel play at a coffee shop when she was homeless (100 points; 10 for lying about it; lose 10 points for liking it; lose 50 points for liking her now)

You personally saw members of Fugazi getting drunk, and were in conflict about whether to tell anyone about it (75 points)

Like Blink-182 (lose all points. If you are the guy who drives the van around that says "support local music like blink-182", you must gouge out your eyes with a dirty icepick)

Been to stadium shows (lose 20 points for each one you paid for; 40 points if you paid a scalper)

Watch only Cartoon Network, The Simpsons, and Comedy Central (5 points)

Never watch TV (15 points)

Listen to NPR (5 points; 10 points for calling in; 15 points if you taped their interviews with Steven Merrit, Jets to Brazil, Apples In Stereo, etc.)

Know who Jeff Pease is (5 points; 20 if you don't talk to him on principle)

Never say "The Magnetic Fields" but rather "Steven Merrit" (10 points; extra 5 points for owning any Future Bible Heroes, Gothic Arches, The 6ths; extra 20 points for knowing he joined the circus)

Have seen 20 or more of the 69 love songs performed live (50 points)

Watched Pete and Pete on Nickelodeon back in the day (10 points; 20 points if you recognized all the cameo appearances and guest soundtracks; extra 5 points for sending away for the demo tape of the band that did the intro song; extra 10 points for knowing the name of that band; extra 10 points for taping the episodes)

You have seen Forbidden Zone (10 points; 20 for owning a copy; 30 for being Adam Vadnais)

You know who Princess Aaron, Graham Beck, Michelle Crazy, Rami, or Go-Paul are (20 points)

You hate answering the phone at KSDT (10 points)

You had an encounter with Dan Najera (20 points; 35 for going to Rancho Najera; 50 if you had sex with him before you were 20)

Have been to Dan Najera's Halloween parties (10 points per appearance)

You purchased items from Steve Churchill (35 points)

You learned about Goth/Industrial music from Jess Felix (20 points)

Have witnessed sex / drug abuse within the walls of KSDT (20 points; 30 if you did it; 40 if you had sex for drugs)

Knew anyone who was homeless and live at KSDT/Che Cafe for more than two days (20 points; 40 if you were the homeless person)

Eat at Denny's at 1-4 AM (5 points; 10 at Keith's or Norm's; 12 at La Posta; 15 at any hipster bar or diner in LA)

You call it "The Bay Area" (10 points)

You know where Walnut Creek is (20 points; 30 for ever living there)

Have a frequent buyer card at Off The Record, Lou's, Music Trader, Amoeba, Rasputin's, Streetlight, or Blue Meanie records. (5 points per card)

Been to Arcata (10 points; 20 for living there; 250 points for living in a tree there)

Stayed in Arcata, Berkley, Santa Cruz, or San Fransisco with friends (25 points; 35 if on tour)

Been to Austin, TX to stay with friends (25 points; 30 for ever living there; 35 if on tour)

Been to Athens, GA, Chapel Hill, NC, or Olympia, WA (25 points; 30 if lived there; 35 if on tour)

Were in a band in any of the above cities (75 points)

Went to Knitting Factory in NY (15 points)

Scoff at those who think Pizzicato-5 is an underground J'pop band (5 points)

Contributed to a zine (20 points; 40 for writing/publishing one)

Have an interest in Black Metal (15 points; 25 if you can't get too into it for political reasons; 30 if you don't have the time or patience to, but say you don't for political reasons)

Know about Power-Violence and can name examples (20 points)

Have subscription to Adbusters, Factsheet Five, or Juxtapoz (30 points; 45 points for thinking Factsheet Five and/or Juxtapoz are too corporate; lose 10 points if you know none of these publications)

Have your image or name painted or tagged at KSDT/Che Cafe (15 points)

Think artists like Basement Jaxx and Aphex Twin are "gateway" groups to the electronic scene (15 points)

Used to listen to Bauhaus, Christian Death, The Cure, or Depeche Mode (5 points if you did in high school; 10 points if you did in junior high; extra 5 points for buying albums you used to own but you got rid of)

Know what EBM is (10 points)

Scoff at people who don't know what emo is (10 points; 20 if you ever cried at an emo show; 50 points for calling your band emo)

Bought a Dead Kennedys album and then got really into stuff on Alternative Tentacles (15 points; 20 if it was a cassette)

Own a Noam Chomsky album (10 points)

Voted for Nader (15 points)

Don't vote on principle (20 points; 30 points if you forgot to vote or are too lazy but say you do it on principle)

Own Fat or Epitaph record albums (lose 5 points per album; lose 10 points per vinyl)

Have been head-butted by Wesley Willis (40 points)

Been to a Man or Astroman show (15 points; 20 if they brought a Theremin; extra 5 points for knowing what a Theremin is; extra 20 points for owning a Theremin; extra 50 for building your own)

Sport band tattoos (10 points; 20 if all from one genre; extra 5 points for your own band logo)

You ever made up a band name to show how underground you were or test other people's underground knowledge (30 points; extra 10 for distributing flyers; extra 15 for booking a show and having the band not show up)

You were ever drunk or high at a straight-edge show (10 points)

Owning Earth Crisis albums (lose 10 points per album)

You think Matador Records sold out (10 points; extra 10 for boycotting their decision)

Have bought more than 20 records at thrift stores (10 points per 20 records; extra 25 points if you lie and say some of your records were bought at a thrift store when they were not; lose 100 points for selling/donating/trashing your vinyl and having only CD's)

Made stickers at Kinko's or other major copy chain (15 points; 25 points if you used the "dropping the counter" thing; 40 points for having a friend who works there and hooks you up)

Silk-screen for a living (20 points)

Work in a music, publishing, book, photo, or art-related store (15 points; 25 if it's independent; extra 10 points if you use your employee discount or fringe benefits to finance your own art projects)

Think High Fidelity and Empire Records are glossed-over very distorted views of indie kids and the stores they frequent (10 points; 20 if you got riled up over this)

Think Airheads and Pump Up The Volume are not what a radio station or the people who work there are like at all (10 points; 20 if you got riled up over this)

Majored in liberal arts and work minimum wage (50 points)

Live in LA and hate it (15 points; 20 if you live in San Diego and hate it)

Think people who want to "free Mumia" are trendy (15 points)

Think the word "trendy" is overused and use another word or phrase for it (10 points)

Tell people how great and enigmatic Neil Dennis is (5 points; 20 if you opened a package containing his promo photos)

Saw Le Tigre live (20 points; 50 if you remember Bikini Kill being much better)

Learned the words to any complete Guided By Voices song (5 points)

Saw Kathleen Hannah when she was a stripper (200 points)

Saw Neutral Milk Hotel live (100 points)

Play singing saw because of Neutral Milk Hotel (20 points; 30 if you play not because of Neutral Milk Hotel; extra 5 points if you just say that)

Saw Green Day at Gilman St. (100 points; lose 200 if you've seen them anywhere else once "Dookie" came out)

Planned a party with Jay Campbell and no one showed up (10 points)

Know the name of the old KSDT guy who makes wallets and works for the Zappa family trust (35 points)

Have had a conversation with Zach Cole lasting over 20 minutes (15 points; extra 10 for going to his "world of harmonicas" store or "folk arts records")

Like the Shepard Fairey movement (10 points; 20 if you actually know what phenomenological means; 30 if you took a college class on it just because of Shep; 40 if you met him; 50 if you knew him)

Think the whole "Posse" "Obey" thing is becoming way too popular (15 points; 25 if you started your own stickers with another face, height, weight, and said "so and so has a posse"; extra 10 points for using wheat paste and putting up your own pop-art posters; extra 25 points for getting fined or arrested for doing so)

Make art (10 points; 15 for collages or kinetic sculpture or guerilla art; 20 for performance art; 25 for getting hurt doing performance art; 100 points for knowing a guerilla girl; 500 points for being a guerilla girl; extra 10 points for ever seeing the guerilla girls)

Showed your art to the public (15 points; 25 points if you were ridiculed for it; 30 points for failing out of art school; lose 50 points for selling art you actually think is art)

Into noise (10 points; 20 points if you like it in theory or recorded but hate it live; 30 points if you only like Japanese noise-core bands)

Want a tiki bar or think stuff at Babette Schwartz is cool (10 points; 20 for having more than 3 items from there or a similar location; 30 points for having a tiki bar; 40 points for being so sucked into the tiki craze you went out and bought a ton of surf vinyl and don't really like it but refuse to admit it)

Own Incredibly Strange Music series books and albums (5 points per item)

Own vinyl you've never played (1 point per vinyl; 5 points per vinyl you never intend on playing)

Sell vinyl at booths or tables or on the street by shows (40 points)

Smoke (2 points; 10 if "quitting"; 15 if you only smoke cloves; extra 5 points for ever smoking bidis and thought they were cool)

Saw Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back in order (10 points; 20 if you only liked Clerks; 30 if you hate them all with a passion)

Own 8-tracks and a player (15 points; 20 if it's in your car; 25 if you have it set up for quadraphonic sound; 2 points per quad 8-track you own)

Your turntable is used more or equal to your CD player (10 points; 15 if you think CD's don't sound as good; 20 if you have a separate EQ for your stereo; 25 if your equipment is covered in stickers; 30 if the equipment is decorated in a theme; 40 if you have vintage stereo hi-fi stuff; extra 5 points for every band slipmat you own)

You consider yourself a musician (10 points; 20 if in a band; 25 if you're in a side-project; 40 if you are in more than three side-projects; extra 5 points for every instrument you play or own that is not a standard "rock" instrument [guitar, bass, drums])

Your band plays video game or star wars themes live (30 points; 40 if you were the one who figured out the melodies and harmonies)

Own an outdated video-game system (20 points; 30 if you think the old ones were better; extra 10 points per old video game system; extra 40 points if you ever missed a show you wanted to see because of video games)

Your band got taken out to dinner by a major label, and you walked away refusing to sign (500 points)

Your albums are made in Canada (75 points)

You got signed to Merge, Touch + Go, Killrockstars, Kindercore, Alternative Tentacles, Relapse, or other such labels (250 points)

You think tube is better than solid-state and analog better than digital for pretty much every musical application possible (15 points)

You appear in an indie/sub-genre album's thanks list (50 points; 60 if your name has a "nickname" in the middle)

You were on the guest list (5 points per band; 10 points for ever having a huge fit when the venue couldn't find your name when you were sure it was there)

A song was dedicated you (10 points; 20 if by a band you really love)

You were the girlfriend/boyfriend who caused the lead singer to write the break-up-song (100 points; 150 if you caused the band to break up)

You burned out on bands like Wesley Willis, Atom and His Package, and Momus (10 points)

Membership at Ken Video (5 points; 15 if you ask for videos they don't have)

WHEW! YOU MADE IT! Now what does your score mean?

1-150 points = While not being completely normal, you probably wear your sports hat backwards, listen to 91X or 105.5 or something, and are not even sure what the scene is besides a new venue in Clairemont a bunch of bands you're not quite sure you heard of play at. You might like bands like AFI, Tiger Army, The Strokes, Radiohead, or some such stuff.

150-500 points = You bridge the gap between the scene and normal, although you probably still shop at the gap and tell people you do.

500-1000 points = You are a bona-fide scenester, or know more than a few. Weren't you the one at the Locust and Rocket From The Crypt show wearing a Black Heart Procession shirt?

1000-1200 points = Wow. D-zam. Not only are you a scenester, but you have been for more than a few years, or so your carefully planned image would seem to scream. You probably have driven more than 50 miles to see Fugazi.

1200-1400 points = You drove to Tuscon, AZ, just to see Calexico play a small show in a garage somewhere. Perhaps not, but your image, financed by parents or all your money and blood plasma, reeks of scene. You probably own more than one white belt, as well as armbands of your favorite band. Your picture, if not your articles, are probably in a fanzine somewhere.

1400-1600 points = You ARE the scene (as much as one mortal scenester can be). Besides probably being in a band or at least "the fifth member," you probably were a sidenote to scene history. Definitely dated a major scene band member or were friends with one. The other option is you rob banks or are ultra-rich and spend the money being as scene as possible. You call distributors just to find out what is going out of print. Maybe you are a CMJ company rep.

1600-2000 points = You are BEYOND the scene. You have always been in the scene. The scene would not be the same without you. Or you are a liar. Do the quiz again and don't lie so much.

2000+ points = Either you are a bona-fide SCENE CELEBRITY or not only because you choose to remain anonymous. That or your pants are engulfed in the flames of the compulsive liar.